No BL Allowed
by McDuck1245
Summary: I thought Hachiman deserved some time with his "friends" so I wrote this real quick. COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, my name is McDuck and I just want to share this story as I think Hikigaya deserves som alone time with some boys. Also, please do remember that this is not a yaoi story at all! It is instead just a story about our favorite loner hanging out with people from his class and school. First one will be Zaimokusa. Will be a bit OOC.**

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"The story will include this little girl named Remi-chan who gets saved by a handsome man with superpowers and..." I slowly started to fall asleep. My imbecile brain had decided that watching videos on YouTube and playing on my beloved Vita-chan was more important than sleep and was kind of sleep-deprived. Listening to Yoshiteru rambling on about a light novel was also very tiring, I still didn't get why he kept on writing even though he constantly got shot down by my club president. He might be a masochist.

"Are you even listening Hachiman?" He started to sound pitiful, so I decided to be honest to him.

"No, I watched YouTube the entire night." There, a short and simple answer should suffice for now. He started to look interested and asked what videos I watched. I would be ashamed to admit that I watched cat videos that Yukinoshita introduced to me to the wonderful world of "Soft Cat Purring [10 hours version]" and "Funny Cat Fails". But wait, didn't I just admit to watching those? To avoid shame I decided to tell him that I watched so called; "Stuff".

"Ohh, I understand that you've come to know and enjoy what we enlightened people call hentai!" No Yoshiteru, that's not it at all! And if it was I would call it 'Private stuff' and not 'Stuff'. Now, someone in my brain might be wondering what I'm doing with this chuuni person when I've clearly established that I myself am not a big fan of chuuni people (due to certain experiences in the past). And my answer to that person is that I am bonding with my so called 'Friend' because of a request from my girlfriend. You might be wondering who my girlfriend is, you tiny person in my head. And to that I would answer: "None of your fucking business, dipshit." Sorry for being loud and rude but those are my true feelings.

"Anyway, the story I talked about will be called 'Yggdrasil's Sprout was Accidentally Destroyed!'" Calm down Yoshiteru, you might write a light novel called 'Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon' or 'I Saved Too Many Girls and Caused the Apocalypse'. That would be a disaster brought upon man! Isn't Yggdrasil that tree from old viking mythology and beliefs? Why bring a 1200 year old religion into a modern isekai story? I really don't understand this man sometimes. I was just about to comment and voice my thoughts when I got interrupted by a man with a sincere smile and some moistness in his eyes.

"Y'know Hachiman, I really consider you as one of my best friends." I reacted pretty hard to that, but I still felt myself smiling. I think him getting into a relationship with Ebina really helped him out though. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the scary, BL-loving fujoshi got together with the masochistic, weird chuuni. They're a real "power couple". Nowadays Yoshiteru has to have a boy x boy shipping in all of his stories due to Ebina even though he finds those kinds of relationships kind of disturbing.

"Mmm." His smile widened as I let out a grunt of agreement. I considered him one of my best friends as well. I'm pretty sure he knew this as well even though I almost never voice my thoughts. But to be honest, I have to be more honest and open with him. That is what a genuine relationship is built on. But before going on a rampage trying to explain why the only thing that matters in this world is honesty I decided to be honest with myself and tell him how I felt. "I consider you an important person to me as well." Kyaaa! You can't do this to a young man's heart Yoshiteru! It's not fair, you knoooooow? Did I just imitate both my sister and that sly fox at the same time? I think I just evolved from Hachiman to Hachijuuman*. I started to blush and looked away quickly.

I felt really ashamed, but still relieved that I was able to get it out. We later went to our respective homes. I felt happy that I got to bond with my friend.

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***Hachiman in japanese is 80000 while Hachijuuman is 800000, meaning that he gained another 0. It was also a pokémon reference.**

**The next chapter will include our sweet angel Totsuka!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, it's McDuck here again. I decided to continue this story due to a bit of response. So enjoy Hachiman eating at a café with Totsuka!**

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Ahh, such a wonderful world we live in. Right now I feel pure bliss. Staring at something this beautiful could probably be illegal somewhere in the world. Especially since I have a girlfriend. But, do not worry, my love for Saika is pure. Wait... snap out of it Hachiman! He's a dude.

I mentally slapped myself during my monologue. Right now I'm in heaven as I'm sitting in a café, eating cake with my angel. I ordered myself a cake with some kind of weak coffee taste. It was a disappointment to say the least. But that does not matter as I've been blessed with the company of my favorite boy.

"Yum! This sponge cake is so good! Here Hachiman, try a piece!" A piece of the cake was forced into my mouth by his smooth, feminine fingers. I am not gay, I am not gay, I am not gay, okay, I might be a little gay, but only for Saika! There are only two overly sweet things in this world; Saika and MAXX-Coffee. And both of them helped me through my daily life. Speaking of MAXX, I could really use some of it right now.

"Hey, Saika... I'm going to buy some MAXX, would you like anything?" Saika looked surprised at first, but started smiling as he took my generosity into consideration. He looked like he was thinking hard about what drink he wanted. He had his thumb and index finger under his chin like a detective or a dad rubbing his goatee. I would like a Totsulock Saimes*. That would make me the happiest man alive. Imagine him solving mysteries in our small city of Chiba. Or maybe he would be Soubu-high's personal detective.

"Hmm... I would like some Peach Ice-Tea, if you wouldn't mind." He was blushing and poking his index fingers together. So sweet. Too sweet. I'm gonna get type 2 diabetes from watching this boy.

I was about to blurt out a 'I would do anything for you, Saika!' but decided to instead answer with a grunt. Walking outside I found myself lost in thought. What if Saika was a girl? Would I stick to taking the [MY GIRLFRIEND] route or would I skip it in favor of the [TOTSUKA SAIKA] route instead? It's a stupid question, but to be quite frank, I probably wouldn't mind either. I like my girlfriend a lot, even though I am way too embarassed to express my emotions. But Saika is heavenly, he might even be God's Blessing On This Beautiful World*.

I suddenly found myself back at the café, holding two cans, one in each hand. Wait... when did I get here? I really need to stop monologuing or it will eventually be the death of me. I can almost imagine myself getting smushed to some kind of whipped cream by a truck. It's just like Yumiko says: I think too much. If Yukinoshita found me on the road, she'd probably serve me on a plate to all the other girls saying something like: "Here you go mademoiselles, a Filét Hachignon*. Why am I even imagining Yukinoshita serving me on a platter? Am I a masochist?

I handed Saika his Peach-flavored drink and he smiled a MAXX-worthy smile at me saying: "Thank you Hachiman!" and hugging me.

I fell backwards with a crash, blushing furiously. 'Arigato Kamisama!' Was all I could think.

"Hachiman? Are you okay?"

I am more than okay Saika. I am blessed!

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***A combination of Sherlock Holmes and Totsuka Saika, I really tried, I'm sorry.**

***Konosuba's localized name.**

***A combination of Filét Mignon and Hachiman. And Yukinoshita being a very sadistic woman.**

**It's a bit shorter than the last one, but don't expect any long stories! If you want to know who his girlfriend is you'll be able to deduct it when the final chapter is out. Right now I have two girls in mind. Not saying who they are though. But both of them have been mentioned in these two chapters!**

**Next chapter will include a drunk Hayama and the loner king!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, McDuck here! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter with the Riajuu and the loner!**

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Right now I'm in hell. I never wanted to attend this party. Someone like me would never attend a party. So why did I decide to go to one right now? Well... my girlfriend forced me telling me that I'm too reclusive and disgusting. It hurt and since I am a person with a lot of pride I decided to take her up on her challenge. But I regret it a lot. The ever so popular riajuu in my class is a drunk mess who needs my support right now. I hate him with a passion, and God, who I loved so much for creating Saika, hates me.

"Hey... Hiki-ga-Hikiga-ya. I reaaaally hate you, you know!" The blushing drunk blob in front of me shouted out of nowhere. What a pathetic little blob he is. Please just don't turn into Rimuru* though! That is a scary blob who I'd rather not upset. Speaking of upset, the upset fake blondie in front of me looks extremely mad right now. It's funny to see him drunk as he loses his facade instantly. Instead of that happy-go-lucky man we're so used to there's an annoyed beast who certainly wouldn't hesitate to rip out my throat.

"You-you stole e-everything from me! Yukino-chan, Yumiko-chan, Yui a-and that-that Irohasu." This man is making me sound like a weird Harem protagonist. I actually rejected 'Irohasu', so you're free to take her.

"I stole nothing Hayama. You were just too slow to figure out your feelings. Those who don't try will never win!" I internally laughed as his face morphed into some type of disgust. He glared at me with all his might. Maybe he'll turn into a God who creates Kaiju for a living, I really wouldn't want to be a robot trapped inside a human!*. I would like to stare at those heavenly thighs though. Calm down Hachiman! You have a girlfriend, and that secret dakimakura* of Rikka already! Don't tell my girlfriend about that pillow though!

"We c-could've be-een friend i-if you w-w-weren't so dif-difficult!" If the fujoshi was here right now she would've died of blood loss after shouting something like: "The Hikiyato ship has sailed!" She is actually terrifying! I don't know how Yoshiteru can be with her. But I don't know why Iroha fell for me either so.

"We could never be friends Hayama. We're polar opposites." With those words I stood up and left.

Opposites don't attract, that is just a falsehood that lovestrucken teenage girls made up. You'd feel more comfortable with your own kind. Doesn't matter what ethnicity, hobbies or interests you have. You'll turn yourself towards people with the same thoughts and beliefs as you.

I'm monologuing again... aren't I?

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***A 'That Time I got Reincarnated as a Slime' reference.**

***An SSSS. Gridman reference. The thigh bit is about Rikka from the show who has the nicest thighs in existence!**

***Dakimakura is Body Pillow in Japanese. Pretty sure that RalphZiggy taught me that, so thank you RalphZiggy-sensei!**

**This is a short chapter again and I wrote it in like 30 minutes. Only goes to show how much I really carea about this story. I do care about it though, but the Totsuka and Zaimokusa ones where easier to write. And if you noticed that there weren't that much monologuing in this or the Totsuka one it's because of Hachiman being way too happy or annoyed to monologue.**

**The next chapter will be about Tobe. The two after that will be Ooka and Yamato. Just kidding, who cares about them?**

**There are a lot of Americans who've read this! Hello America!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello, it's McDuck here. Welcome back to No BL Allowed. I took some time off due to tests and going on a cruise but I am back now, in full force. Just know that I will post one chapter more where Hachiman hangs out at home with his girlfriend. This chapter turned out to be more about Haruno and some other people than with just Tobe.**

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I am in quite the predicament right now. I am currently helping Tobe sell Christmas cakes again (LN only). It's kind of become a tradition where I meet him, the day before Christmas Eve morning, and I spend the entire day selling cakes. Tobe and I actually became good friends because of it. Well only half because of it, we both enjoy beating each other at Smash Bros. He's an Incineroar main while I am a Falco main. I usually win, being the fast bird I am, but on the rare occurrence he beats me he gets really pumped up.

My predicament is not about Smash Bros. though, but rather a customer. This specific customer is the Devil reincarnated. She's almost a Devilman*, having a kind of heart, I guess. Her name is Hayama Haruno and oh god is she pestering me. She's whining about me not choosing her, sounding almost like a certain teacher. She instead had to marry Hayama who prefered Yukinoshita Yukino over her sister. I do too so I kind of agree with Hayama on that one.

"Hikigaya! Could you give your favorite Onee-chan a cake for free? I wanna smash it into Hayama-kun's face!"

"You're a Hayama as well Haruno-san." I replied lazily. I wasn't allowed to give out cakes for free, and besides, she's a rich girl so she could probably buy all of them. "And wouldn't that hurt your precious Hayama Hayato?"

"Mou, I would've been a Hikigaya if you didn't end up choosing Y..." I glared at her trying to speak of something not allowed. You tiny people will have to wait a chapter to know who my girlfriend is. "And my 'Hayama Hayato' has a very thick skull so I doubt it would hurt that much!"

She bonked the top of her head with her fist while sticking her toungue out. 'Hey woman you're getting waaaaaay too old for that. And you are scarily strong and could probably break his pretty-boy face with a Christmas cake.' She puffed when I didn't answer and put her arms underneath her... 'assets'. But they bounced up and down once and made me look away, embarassed. I have a girlfriend damn it!

"You really are a demon aren't you?" I asked her, with a deadpan expression on my face. I want to leave so much right now. She really is a pain to deal with, even more so than Hiratsuka-sensei. It's pretty ironic that Hiratsuka bought a Christmas cake before considering she was one for so long*. "If you aren't gonna buy a cake I would require you to leave."

But instead of her leaving, I did. I had to go see Tobe as I had almost sold all of my cakes. We were gonna have our traditional Smash Tournament later with Yoshiteru, Saika, Black Lace-san, or Saki and Tobe's sister. I wouldn't miss it for anything. I spotted the man with the colored hair in the distance and went up to him.

"Hey Tobe, I almost sold all of the cakes. Wanna do the tourney now?" I asked him.

"Sure Hikitani! Let me just help this customer." He said as he motioned toward the woman next to him, who looked pretty annoyed. We later left for his house where we met up with the other people.

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"Take that!" Saki yelled as she utterly destroyed Saika. Saika had chosen Yoshi, like he always does. Well that's only because he thinks it's cute. And Saki had chosen her favorite echo-fighter, Lucina who overpowered Yoshi instantly.

"Well... I'm better at tennis!" Saika said as he scratched his cheek. Cutely, if I may add. I can't believe that we're 20 and he still looks feminine.

"Hachiman! Let's do this." Ahh, it was finally the finale. This was gonna be fun. It almost always came down to me fighting her. We had an equal amount of wins and losses against each other. We really were rivals.

"Let's." I said as I picked Falco. I was gonna beat Black Lace-san into oblivion. And I really did. She was distracted by something the entire fight. I didn't mind though, a win's a win after all.

"Not fair! Hina texted me her erotic BL fanfiction and I just had to read it!" She really wasn't obligated to read it, that was her own fault.

"No! Hikitani-bro clearly won that one. It's your fault for being distracted!" Thank you Tobe! By the way. Bro isn't a valid honorific. And I still don't know who 'Hikitani' is.

"The tournament is over! The ever-knowing Hachipedia beat Black Lace-san!" That's not something you yell out Yoshiteru. And you could see that Saki didn't think so either.

"Huh? What'd ya say y'little puny chuuni man?" That's scary, and funny. Her accent always slips out when she's angry. I started laughing, really hard.

"B-Black L-Lace-san!" I couldn't stop laughing. I was a dead man right now. But Tobe laughed with me, and soon everyone joined in on the laughter.

I was really grateful for having such good friends!

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*** Reference to the animes: Devilman and Devilman Crybaby.**

*** Refers to an unmarried woman over the age of 25, being considered past her prime. **

**I really hope that you enjoyed this chapter and story. As I said in the beginning of the chapter, I will create a chapter where you get to know who Hachiman's girlfriend is. So look forward to that. It might take a while though as I have some more tests coming up! See you in the next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello, it is currently Tuesday for me. I finally have some more time as I have a break day tomorrow. I do hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Note: It's no longer Tuesday, had a lot of tests... sorry.**

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"Hachi!" A voice called my name as I opened my door. Wait, Hachi isn't my name. I still don't understand why this woman still wants to give me pet-names. Shouldn't pet-names be given to the one thing mentioned in the word? Name your pets pet-names instead. That'd at least make sense.

Our apartment was pretty basic, when you entered, you'd first see a tiled hallway with white walls. If you'd instead turn left when you enter you'd find our first bathroom. If you continue down the hallway you come to a crossroad. In front of you, there'd be a doorway without a door which would lead to our livingroom. It was a basic livingroom, a couch, a TV and, of course, a kotatsu. We also had two bookshelfs which you'd find to your right. If you decided to instead head left you would enter our kitchen. It was a very modern kitchen, with black drawers and a white, marble countertop. Our kitchen table was at the end of the kitchen. It was a glass table. I personally wanted a wooden table, but Yumiko said that it wouldn't work with our modern kitchen. Anyway, back to the crossroad. At the right you'd find the place where the magic happens. Not gonna be too specific about that place, it had a nice big bed, my desk and a second bathroom.

Ah, I forgot to mention my girlfriend, her name starts with a Y and ends with-

"Hachi! Why are you just standing there? Don't tell me you're monologuing again! Jeez, that will be your death one day!" My girlfriend scowled at me. And of course, she spoke the truth. I had been monologuing.

"I'm sorry..." I tried to apologize to her, but she only replied with a small "hmph" and turned her head.

During these last couple of years I've found new skills which have replaced the old. This newly one is called 'Girlfriend Pleasing' and is supereffective against girlfriend type Pokémon*! I shouldn't be calling her a Pokémon though... she'd had me murdered in a fortnight.

But, I had to sacrifice some skills for my new ones. My 'Stealth Hikki' doesn't work anymore, unfortunate as it is.

"You know, I don't monologue as often anymore." I told her as I slowly made myself towards her. "It's the truth."

She looked up to me with a warm look. "I know that you don't. I just don't want to lose my lover to something as stupid as a monologue."

I blushed at that word. Yes, I suppose that we were lovers. I mean, I loved her and she loved me. And I knew that I would love her for the rest of my life. That's just how I am, devoted.

"I hope that we'll be together forever, Yumiko."

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*** A Pokémon reference.**

**Hello, I am quite happy with this chapter. I wrote the most of it on my phone. But I hope it still holds the same quality as the others! It'll probably be uploaded Friday, which is tomorrow for me as I'm writing this. It's now Friday, might even be Saturday when you read this. Again, thank you for reading this short story, I have plans for another story in the future. I hope you'll enjoy that one as well! Sincerely, McDuck.**


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